I have been quite restless in our house lately. So much so that I have been looking around for another house. I say I am just looking; I am just exploring the areas to see where we would like to live, where the schools are good... we will need to move eventually because the schools in our area are terrible and I am sooo against private schools. But our son is 8 months old, I think we still have a little time before elementary school!

But this weekend it became apparent that I was not "just looking", I am ready to move tomorrow! I realized that I really wanted to get out of this house, but why?

We live in Venice, CA; not even a mile from the beach (close enough that people going to the beach will park on our street to avoid the parking lots, and walk to the beach). I walk to the beach a few times a week! We bought our house just before the market exploded and the prices became ridiculous. Let me reiterate - we live in Southern California, near the beach, in a perfect climate and I am complaining??? How dare I complain? What IS wrong with me?

And I have been thinking about it a lot. What's wrong? Is it just my three year itch? (I can basically go for three years and then things need to change... not a good quality of mine, not at all) Could I solve the problem with just rearranging the furniture, maybe moving a wall or two? Or...

When we bought this house it was just the two of us. We did plan to have children and we knew that this house will need to change in order to accomodate growing family. We knew that we will have to do work on the house but we were not in a hurry so we did not do anything (except minor things like painting the bathroom). But we were satisfied, we had enough room - besides we did not spend that much time in the house to really see all the shortcomings. But now the baby is here. The office has moved to what used to be the hallway and became the nursery. Other baby items are all over the house - a playpen, a chair, a swing, a high-chair... Now I am at home most of the time, jumping over furniture, moving things from one place to the other... my life has changed with the baby, became more busy (not in a negative way). But I don't need it to be complicated too!!

So, OK, one reson for my unhappiness with the house is lack of space. And that CAN change. Possibly... not right now; the soonest it could happen is nine months from now (nine months??!!). And then we will have to do some construction, probably major (but still allowing us to live here) to have things as we need/want them. With the baby and the dog and the school (oh, have I mentioned that I am starting school in the fall) I cannot even think about handling construction on top of everything. NO WAY!

There is one more thing about the lack of space - I have a lot of hobby crap: fabric, yarn... It's not only a problem of storing all that, it also using it. I do have a desk and a place to work, but with the baby I don't have long periods of time to sit and be creative. I have small chunks of time, here and there. SO if I have to get all the stuff from storage, and then move it away again when I am done - I have about 5 minutes of time to actually do anything. Arghhh.... But, to tell you the truth that could also be fixed (I wouldn't rave a real room of my own, but a small area that I could keep the stuff out)?

So there must be something else...

And just tonight I realized what it is - the windows!!! It is hard to admit that you don;t like the house you live in (and own). But I don't, and I said it today. It does not really make me feel better, I feel even more quilty, but at least I know what's bothering me.

I looked at a house today, in the Santa Monica mountains and I really, really loved it. Why? OK, it did have three bedrooms, a den a living room a dining area, a nice size kitchen but it had an oh-my-god type of view. From the kitchen, through an oversized corner garden window; and through a large master bedroom window. And I realized - It's not a lack of windows in our house (because that's fixable too). It's the fact that from any (existing or a possible) window I will always have a limited view. It does not have to be the most beautiful view ever, I just have to be able to see far. If I cannot see far, I feel trapped. yes, that's a good word - trapped.

I have lived in many places, not big, or fancy... but I always had A window. My first memory of a window was before I even went to school, in our first apartment when I used to draw at a desk next to a window. We were on the 7th floor, so I could see really far. My next memory is, from the same apartment, looking though the dining room window, to the other side of the building, to the north. I was afraid of the windows a little bit. The wall under the window was just a simple panel and I felt I could kick a hole in it (and I am afraid of heights), so I was always very careful. But I spent hours sitting on a bench, resting my head on my arms looking at the people walking by...

Then we moved to our second apartment and I got my own room. The window was not big but there were no buildings in front of ours, so I could see really far from the 5th floor. My desk was right under the window and I just loved it. I spent 9 years in that room, through high-school and college (I grew up in Croatia and went to school in my hometown, and I lived with my parents, like everybody else). And whenever I felt like it, I could just stare out, imagining what's out there.

Then I moved to the US, to Atlanta and I had a dorm room on the 4th floor, overlooking the 10th Street, facing South. My bed was right under the window and on many nights I could see the moon. My time in Atlanta went by very fast, sometimes I feel like that was a dream, but I remember the window and the view.

Since then, we moved a few more times and we mostly had good windows. I loved the apartment in Austin, TX. It was on the North side, in the Hills. It was so quiet there; and not just quiet, but peacefull, I never turned on the radio or the TV when I was alone in there. I just enjoyed the serenity. Then we bought the house in Austin, and we could actually see the sunset over the hills towards lake Travis (we could not see the lake - if we could, I am sure we would never have moved!) from the back of the house. It was just amazing!

But then we moved to California and - I lost my windows! It's been four years now that I have not had a window I could enjoy sitting by. And THAT's what makes me restless! From the side windows I look into a fence or my neighbors house (just a few feet away). And from the front - I can see the street and the next row of houses across the street. We don;t have windows on the back of the house because this is a duplex and the other unit is behind ours. And THAT's what makes me feel trapped! This is a problem that's not easily fixable because however many windows we add, I will not be able to see far...
So now I have a real problem. Moving is probably out of the question for now for many complicated reason, some of which are market issues (is it a bubble or not), financial issues, commute,... So what do I do? I don;t want to be unhappy. I don;t want my husband to feel unhappy, but I don;t see a way out (for me). Even nine months seems like an eternity, but it could be much longer than that...

It's 2:30am now and I don;t feel like going to bed at all. What I would like to do is go out and look at the stars. I cannot go in the back because I will wake up the neighbor. And I cannot go in front because - well, because you just don't go out in front of the house in the middle of the night in Venice. Oh, did I mention that I am also tired of that too - of thinking when is it safe to go out and where (but that's a whole other bitch session...)

I am sad.

And, what do you do with the pedal if the waves start coming in?

Beach off PCH, near Gladstones restaurant.

OK, I know that blonde jokes are so '90s, so over. And I have not heard one in a while... but this one is pretty funny....
I do wonder if this is a real pencil or just photoshop work?

Today it rained in LA. I took Luka to his doctor for a checkup and when we got back to the car, I just did not want to go home. But where should I go? Up north, maybe Malibu? Or down south?

An hour and a half later I was feeding the baby in Redondo beach, righ on the beach (well in the car since it was raining, but the ocean was right there...). Half an hour later I was at Point Vincente, on the Palos Verdes peninsula. I though it would be fun and interesting to see the coast in the rain and fog, since there are really not many opportunities to do that. Here are the pictures...

Right after we took of, I felt really great thinking I should do this more often - do the spontaneous thing more often. We plan so much in our lives, that we forget how it is to just do something. It always makes me feel free. I. and I used to do this more often, especially when we traveled. We always said we will just "play it by ear"... so that's what I did today. Just drove... and sang, off top of my lungs, to the cheese eighties on 104.7. There I said it...