No, the baby is still not here. This is Luka, the day he was born. I have been thinking about that day...

I don't like this idea of going in and having a baby on a schedule. I realized I was hoping I would go to labor early, would not be able to get to the hospital on time and have the baby the v-way. But then I remind myself why I opted for c-section - I tend to have large babies with large heads that do not match my anatomy. And the fear of my baby being stuck (and pulled out using tools) is actually greater than myself going through the surgery. So c-section it is...

But I am still afraid. I hinted in previous posts that the last time wasn't a good experience... so here is the story... I will try to keep it short.

The bottom line is - I could feel pain during the surgery. 

My doctor at the time wasn't there (Luka came a little bit ahead of schedule, and he was out of town) so nobody really told me then why that happened. Later he said that my epidural catheter was misplaced. The other possibility is that I don't react to drugs as other people. Wednesday, my doctor told me I have to talk about this with anesthesiologist on Monday, he was confident they could make me not feel pain.

Luka was born on Tuesday 10/05/04 at 8.34am. I went to the hospital that Sunday morning because I got a fever the night before that wasn't coming down. They were able to get the fever down, sent me home and told me to come back if the fever comes back. We were barely back home, when I got the fever again. So we went back. This time we stayed. Luka's heartbeat was going down, and my fever was steady so the doctor said the baby needs to come out. At that time I had no contractions and I wasn't dilating at all (even though the due date was 10/05).

That night they gave me some vaginal pill to start dilation and contractions. By morning I was at 5cm and the contractions were mild - I thought - this is going to be easy. Then they started Pitosin, slowly increasing the dose and thus increasing the intensity and frequency of contractions. But the contractions were still mild. I had visitors, I was watching TV, reading... Then when I was fully dilated, they broke the water. It was about 4pm. 

It was like someone has turned a volume dial from min to max. The contractions suddenly became to strong, soon I was asking for epidural. I was told I should ask for an attending, not have a resident give me the epidural. So I did. But they told me it was shift change so the doctor was not available. I waited a little longer, but then the doctor was in surgery. I could not wait any longer... A resident came in, but I had faith, I had to... But the faith was soon gone - she was nervous, maybe her shift was long and she just wanted to get home - I don't know. But I could feel her being not too happy when she missed the first time because I could not hold still while I had a contraction. How dare I?

Soon the catheter was in (and it stayed in so I could give myself more drugs - just s little dose - if I needed) and the drugs were in. Soon my legs started feeling funny and the pain from contractions was bearable. I was happy that I could still feel them, because I did not want too much, I still wanted to feel pushing. But about 45 min later, I could feel everything again. Drugs wore off. Pain was terrible and I still had the IV in so could not really move to find a better position. My husband helped a lot, holding my hand and helping me count and breathe (those childbirthing classes came in handy). At some point they gave me another full dose of drugs, but they also wore off in about half hour. Later I got one more - three full doses from 5pm Monday until very early Tuesday morning. Same thing. The epidural just did not work. From 5pm Monday until about 7am Tuesday I was pushing like crazy, screaming with pain (I broke one IV pushing on the bed) - I never really thought I would go through natural child birth. But! the baby did not move. I was fully dilated, he was positioned perfectly, they could see the top of his head, but he could not go through.

At about 7:30 am Tuesday a doctor came in and told me they could let me push a few more hours or they could do a c-section. They could not let me push for much longer because of the fear of infection, since the water was broken more than 12 hrs ago. But, he said he didn't thing the few hours would do much. So we went for the c-section.

I was exhausted. My pain threshold was probably lower than normal. I haven't slept or eaten (or drank really) for two nights. But I thought - 30 more minutes and I will have my baby and I will be able to rest. They gave me more drugs - using the same catheter they used for epidural. They told me I would feel some pulling and tugging but no pain. But soon, the tugging and pulling was so bad I was on the verge of tears, telling my husband I couldn't take pain any more. It felt like somebody was sitting on my stomach. Then I heard Luka cry, he grabbed the doctor's coat and would not let go. They wanted me to hold him, but I was too tired and afraid I would drop him. My husband held him and I gave him a kiss. Then the burning sensation started, and they offered to put me out, but I wanted to be awake, I wanted to hold Luka asap. Then the terrible pain, at which point my husband made an executive decision and gave the anesthesiologist permission to drug me. I did not know at the time, I just remember fighting sleep. I remember telling my husband I did not want to go to sleep. The next thing I remember is waking up, being very drowsy, terribly thirsty and a nurse asking me whether I can move my legs. I told her I could have moved them the whole time, even through the surgery. Pain after the surgery wasn't too bad. It was all over...

But it was painful... And the mystery is still unsolved - most probably misplaced catheter, but who knows. The only thing I know is I don't want to feel that pain ever again....